If I could give my new mom self one piece of advice, this would be it

If I could go back and tell my new mom self one thing…. this would be it.

I’m not gatekeeping for one moment. The advice I would give myself and new moms is:

LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS

Right now.  BURY THEM.  Get them as low as humanly possible.  

Let’s unpack this a bit. What I mean here is lower your expectations for yourself and for your kids.  

I mean that when you have an outing planned with the kids- assume the worst.  Assume that they will lose their minds at some point, and you won’t be able to eat or chat with your friends.  Assume they will have a meltdown, and you’ll leave early.  Assume that they will hate everything about what you’re doing, and they will let you know it. 

You might be thinking- that sounds like a very negative viewpoint, and I don’t want to manifest a bad experience with my kids!

Hear me out.  First- I promise that if you lower your expectations of your children (in this way), 9 times out of 10, they will pleasantly surprise you.

But it’s when we put pressure on them- even subconsciously- to act or be a certain way that they inevitably go off the rails and we get frustrated or embarrassed.  

It’s a weird magic that they have.  They know when we are thinking: we’re going to go to this dinner, and we’re all going to have cute outfits on, and everyone is going to look great and behave really well, and I’m going to have fun, and the kids are going to have fun….that’s when the wheels come off.  

BUT, when we go into a situation thinking- we’re just going to do the best we can, I’ve prepared as much as I can and I’m just going to meet the kids where they’re at… Our kids perform better.  It’s really about just letting them be, well, kids. Kids are emotional and immature and need our support more than our judgment.

This mindset shift lessens the stress of going to an outing or activity with your kids.  It allows you to kind of exhale and just say- they’re going to do what they’re going to do.  I’m going to be there to get us through it. And I think this lighter energy also translates to them, and in my experience, they miraculously turn into the angels that we know they are.

It’s also nice to give yourself the flexibility to handle whatever they throw your way while focusing on what truly matters.   And what truly matters is time with your family and protecting your mental health at all costs.

This also allows us to be flexible in our mom life, which is notoriously unpredictable and chaotic.  When we are in more of a go-with-the-flow mindset, we can more easily adapt to unexpected plan changes and moods.  

This also helps us model positive behavior for our kids.  When they see us being calm and collected in the face of chaos, they take note.  When they are having a meltdown, and we are not getting angry about it, this lets them know they’re safe, everything is ok, we are in charge, and we are solid.  

Now, how do we do we lower expectations for ourselves? 

Well, we stop asking ourselves to be superwomen.  We stop taking it all on, or we stop telling ourselves that we have to produce at a super high level.  You don’t have to be the perfect mom, wife, friend, employee, business owner, etc.  

We take a deep breath and ask ourselves- what is important here, and what can I let go of? 

There may need to be some planning, coordinating, or asking for help when it comes to taking things off your plate.  And that’s ok. 

It having compassion for the season that you are in right now, meeting yourself where you’re at in that season, and letting the extras fall away. This might mean saying no to activities that are draining to you.  Or setting really strong work boundaries. Do what you have to do for yourself.

Now I said before- you don’t have to be the perfect mom, wife, friend, employee, business owner… And this doesn’t mean you must give any of this up.  It just means, trimming the fat and finding ways to make these roles and relationships work for you without burning you out.